16:30 Start:
Hello everyone!
Today I want to tell you something, not as a lecture, but a talk with a discussion and answering questions, which in turn will help me to improve explanations and whether I should explain some topics differently. You can ask questions about anything if it is not clear. My aim is to show how to live life in a way that makes most sense, and such that it gives the most happiness, such as with these important ones:
Well, worrying or being afraid or being angry for a brief period is fine, it is a sign to change your life, but after that let it go!
I will go into why this makes sense and how I came to these views, which end up being very similar to what is taught by groups doing meditation and so on, but I never did that, I simply got there by reasoning and I will show how I live by these points, and other points that I put in my "list of life".
But first why I arrived in Ukraine and what stood out:
I never felt at home in the Netherlands, I felt like a stranger, I didn't fit in, and I was thinking about what to do in life. I thought about eastern Europe because in some older documentaries it seemed to me that there was a different attitude towards life there. I had not travelled much, from the Netherlands briefly to Belgium (1 day?) to Germany (1 day) , and I saw nothing that I really liked there. [ perhaps interesting: I never even liked the Dutch language... ]
I read various travel guides and decided to go to Ukraine. On my first trip I felt: "This is fantastic!". I loved the hot weather in August, the colourful roofs of buildings, green, blue, red (on a later trip I even saw yellow roofs), more wild nature, not so organised (fake nature!) as in the Netherlands. I remarked to people whom I met in Ukraine that riding with a bus for example often you see in NL just a tree, tree, tree, and in Ukraine you can often see half a forest beside the road.
I saw quite a few buildings with pastel colours, especially pre-soviet era buildings. I found a lot of Ukrainian popular and folk music that I liked, whereas I don't like any music from the Netherlands... I liked the food, and what I also liked was the humour of people.
During my first 2 trips I felt that people in Ukraine were not aware enough of the positive points in their country, and I realised that that was because of the economic problems in Ukraine (some people told me for example: it is difficult to save for when you need for example a new refrigerator, no job security).
I had read a lot about Ukraine and from that, even before my first trip, I thought that perhaps Ukraine could be the place for me. Some people from Ukraine, with whom I had contact via internet, thought it was strange, but, the feeling only got stronger after I had been in Ukraine.
I had some issues at the time which made it difficult to move: The financial 'crisis' from 2008 was still causing problems many years later: banks didn't want to give loans for small businesses or house repairs. I could not expand my business, I had to replace the roof of my house and fix much more, which meant that effectively I was poor, even though I owned a house (well, owned partly by a bank as there was a mortgage) and I could only slowly fix things.
During that time I travelled usually each year to Ukraine (until 2018) and each trip was an adventure, visiting interesting places, such as most parks in most cities, of course Sofyivfka park in Uman, but also very interesting for example Ostvitsya in Rivne, the island Khortetsya in Zaporizhya (and the cossack show), the main park in Korosten etc. In each city there are interesting places, statues (such as in Zvyagel/Novograd volynsky a statue to the bread 'Korovai', strange, perhaps but bread is important in life, so why not?), beautiful nature etc.
Good experiences with people, 2 examples: -------- 1) 2023: Zhytomyr region: I was looking for a hotel or hostel near xxx, I saw people in a sort of relax area with tables. I asked whether there is a hotel not so far away. It was a birthday celebration, they were thinking about options, called someone who might have an idea, they invited me to take part in the festivities, I tried some of food, we talked about why I was cycling in Ukraine etc.
Then they found an option very close. I would just have to follow one of the guests who was leaving in his car, riding slowly. But first they said there was no place near there to get food that was open at that time so they gave me some more food to take with me to eat there! We came to a hostel which was not operational, yet, and I could stay there for free...
2) 2023: Riding one evening about 20:00 or so, in the Zhytomyr region: A car was going past me, slowed down, so he was driving beside me. The driver lowered the right car window and he asked (in Russian) whether I had a place to stay. I said (in Russian): "Yes, I am going to a hotel, about 30 km farther". Someone in the rear of the car said something to the man in front, a woman, probably his wife, and then he asked "Do you want some apples?". I thought "Well, that would be nice!", so I said "Yes, that would be nice!". After this the driver speeded up and went his way. --------
I don't think anything like this would even happen in the Netherlands. Some people suggested to me that this friendliness is because I am a foreigner, but this driver certainly didn't know that I was a foreigner when he asked me his first question...
These are only a few of the many experiences I had on all my trips, with people just offering help, food, or a place to stay (with the curfew this helped me a lot a few times when there were no hotels or they were closed).
Some negative experiences or that could be considered negative:
- I had a friend in Zhytomyr helped me with translation especially for Ukrainian, and to look for houses. After a bit more than 2 weeks she was annoyed that it took so long, she started complaining, insulted me with commments such as "you are crazy to come to Ukraine". I knew her for years but later when I was in Zaporizhya, I said farewell to her.
- I had a fall with the bicycle that I loaned from a friend of my friend in Zhytomyr. The bicycle was a bit too small but it was my mistake riding onto a curb. I had a pinched nerve in my left heel, walking was very painful, I couldn't walk far. It hindered me to visit houses, it took months to get better.
- I was in October 2022 in Zaporizhya, and experienced rocket attacks there. There was a lot of noise and I went outside, saw a flash, then an unbelievably loud explosion, and the next day some buildings were rubble. It gave a little bit a sense of war, but I was not afraid, I did a calculation of the chance of dying compared to being in the Netherlands dying in traffic in 1 year, and I felt it would be no problem to stay a few more days. I didn't worry, I was not afraid, I just decided what to do based on what I wanted to do on that trip.
Questions, comments? --------------------
The list of life: -----------------
To be happy in life first of all keep in mind the following: ------------------------------------------------------------ You can only control yourself, not (or only slightly) the rest of the world so: - why let the outside world influence your happiness? - it makes sense to control your happiness in yourself rather than to try to change the world around you (e.g. by buying things, buying a house, car, new phone) to create happiness.
An important point that you can see is that people can be poor and happy and still share things like food. Examples: People in Africa, India.
There is a difference in poor and less developed vs rich and more developed societies that comes partly from being a more developed society: In such societies peopel start to chase abstract goals and saving money, instead of immediately reachable real world happiness.
Now something about me, some 'problems' I had and how I viewed them and how I dealt with them: ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was for many years poor caused by various problems in life, such asp: - not being able to expland my business (after the financial crisis of 2008 which continued many years banks didn't want to give loans) - other problems caused by an accident, I couldn't work for a year - My house needed a new roof and many other renovations (new floors, electric wiring), but I didn't have the money for a long time.
So I had 'problems' but I never felt unhappy.
What I did feel is that there was something missing in my life. I will try to explain the difference further on.
You may now think: How can anyone not worry, how can anyone be happy despite having little money, and with an uncertain future in Ukraine?
With that I come to the "list of life", first version, which is how I live:
Point 8 is a joke but also serious: Don't let small problems affect you.
Point (4): analyse yourself and look at the past only to improve your understanding of life, of people and to improve your decision making. [ I leave out the rest on purpose for the question list ]
=====> =====> Give list of questions QL1-the-past, about this topic to audience.
[ Fill in the list... ]
Now some comments:
- Look at your answer for question 2: Was your answer on changing something "no"? The only answer posible is "no" because it is in the past! You need to accept the past, but there is something you can do: you can use the past to make changes in yourself, by reviewing your decisions. Could you have done something better, differently?
- Look at your answer for question 4: The only thing you can do to be happy is to accept that it happened, and only use your experiences to try to improve decision making for the future. By realising this you can let it go, and thus stop letting those experiences affect your mood now. Think each time you think about a regret: "What happened happened, I can't change the past, but I can try to improve my decision making".
I will tell you how I dealt with regret, with how I dealt with bad experiences, so, dealing with 'the past':
I thought back to situations in the past, thought about whether I could have had a different outcome by making different decisions in business or in how to deal with people. I realised the following:
It means the following: Some choices could have made a difference, perhaps, but the main thing is:
FOR YOUR HAPPINESS: Accept life, which means accept what happened.
FOR YOUR DECISION MAKING: Analyse what you did, were there mistakes? In future try to better determine whether or not the information on which you base your decisions, is good enough.
EXAMPLE: The woman from Kharkov in 2018: I dated her a while. Later she got negatively influenced by her friends, by her mother, about me, after they met me, but I still helped her with issues in her life, I suggested a business cooperation. In the end because of negative influences there is not even a friendship and she is pursuing goals that don't do her abilities justice. [ She is an amazing painter, creator of recipes and much more. ]
HOW DID/DO I FEEL? I was disappointed but also not disappointed, in the sense that I continued with my life, my work, writing down ideas, I was happy, but at the same time I realised then, and now still, that life could have been so much better, for her, for me. I feel this: "Why are people trying to spoil the lives of others?".
WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY: I could have tried to better determine what caused her to say certain things, to determine why she distrusted me. She was emotionally repressed and negative, caused mainly by her mother. I realised some of this, but not good enough.
My list is a part of how to counter the negativity at least for yourself, so that you will not be influenced, but: you cannot prevent other people such as friends or family members to be influenced, you can only control yourself! This is the problem in that situation: Her mother made negative comments to me, and I didn't care that they did that, but my friend was influenced. Her mother didn't care about her happiness, she was just anti-social, oppressive, tying to push her will onto her daughter. I could not counter this influence enough.
===> So: Look back, but accept life. Say to yourself each time you do think about what to change: "I did the best I could, given the circumstances, given my personality". Try to see if you can change something about yourself to give yourself better results in future, that is all you can do.
Questions?
=====> Give list of questions QL2-problems about this topic to audience.
1 & 2 can be combined, and also combined with "don't expect", and "don't hurry". They are all forms of worrying, about what could happen in future.
I mentioned "Don't be angry and that is similar to all these too but I will get to that later.
But let us start with 1: "Don't worry": Think about this: - Will worrying fix any problems? No! - Worrying only makes you feel bad. The only thing you can do is your best. You indentify a problem, seek a solution, that is all. Now let us look forward to 6: "A problem is a pessimist's view of a challenge". You can look at problems not as something negative but simply life, something to which you need to find a solution, nothing more. The way to do this is each time you have some problem, to keep in mind "A problem is a pessimist's view of a challenge", and each time you worry about anything: "There is nothing I can do except to do my best to solve this problem". This gives into your head a mindset of solving problems but not letting it affect you. I did this with all problems I had, and I have to admit I don't like it always how things go, sometimes it got boring to have to deal with for example all the paperwork to get a residence permit and to buy a house, and before that dealing with other things that didn't go as I wanted in the Netherlands, but, I never let it influence my mood, well, just briefly. -> Each that you feel unhappy or negative, is a sign that you need to change something in your life.
===> Keep in mind:
- "A problem is a pessimist's view to a challenge",
- "Many people have far bigger problems in life!",
- "I can't control the world, I can only control what I do".
=====> Give list of problem solving to audience.
Xxxxx Question to audience: Does anyone have an example of a problem and wants to talk about how to make the problem not a problem?
Anger: Anger is similar to worrying: Anger solves nothing. You feel bad. That is it. I heard a comment from an Amish guy in a TV series about a woman who was annoyed with a comment that the farmer's son made, he then said (paraphrasing): "You are angry, but the person at whom you are angry doesn't even realise it, he will just happily do whatever he is doing. You are the one who spoils your own mood".
This is also connected to point 3: Seek meaning (goals).
You need to make sure that you are happy with what you are trying to achieve (goals) and best would be to be happy while trying to reach a goal, the road to the goal should be worthwhile. in that case you are always doing something that makes you happy, even if you change your goals, or if it turns out you cannot reach your goal.
Example I was stopped last year byt a police man, he checked my papers, the work permit was about the end, the residence permit (posvidka) had not yet arrived, The police man said I could get a fine. What if a posvidka was not given then? Well, I would probably go live in Poland then, not what I would prefer, but better than in the Netherlands.
I rarely could do what I wanted to do most of all in life, but I tried to do everything else that was still one of my interests, in my hobbies, in work, and with that I was happy. So I selected goals depending on what was possible.
Relationships are more difficult:
If you love another person and he or she doesn't see you in the same way, then there is nothing you can do.
-> You need to accept reality!
But this is probably the hardest situation, especially an emotional connection from shared experiences is not something you just forget.
This was suggested to me long ago by a woman from Kiev, and at the time I thought "I don't need that" but she was right, it adds something to your life.
[ If time tell about the story when I was near the Palats kultury in Korosten ]
Separate page:
Write down your answers, can be in English or any other language, you don't need to share anything of this, it is for yourself:
1. What made you upset about some situation in the past?
[ write here ]
2. Can you change something in that situation right now?
[ write here ]
3. How do you feel about this situation at the moment?
[ write here ]
4. What can you do right now about this situation?
[ write here ]
5. Now check your point 4 for being practical: can you really reach the goal/implement the required actions?
[ write here ]
About QL1-the-past (2): [ Note that the answer is actually always no, because you are looking back into the past, but asking this question is a forced self-reflection on the situation. ]
================================================================================================== Separate page:
1. About what do you worry, [ what problem do you have now? ]
[ write here ]
2. Could you make a change in the situation that will cause you to stop worrying? [ write here ]
3. How do you feel about the situation right now?
[ write here ]
4. Could you stop the feeling of worrying without effort/without taking any action?
[ write here ]
xxx [ Proper answer: yes using the 3 steps ]
5. Now check your points on whether any change is practical.
[ write here ]