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See also: Talk goncharenko centre 2025-3-16: List of life: Post event notes with my reponse to some comments, information about the cookies that I presented etc.
An overview of the talk/discussion is here.
Hello everyone!
My name is Wouter (Ваутер), I am from the Netherlands but currently living in Ukraine. Today I want to tell you something about how to live life in a way that makes the most sense, and such that it gives the most happiness, and that means in particular:
This is part of my "list of life". This talk and discussion will be about that. You can comment, interrupt at any point, ask a question and we can discuss which in turn will help me to improve explanations and whether I should explain some topics differently.
But first: why I am living in Ukraine:
I never felt at home in the Netherlands, I felt like a stranger there, I didn't fit in, and I was thinking about what to do in life. I thought about eastern Europe because in some older documentaries there seemed a different attitude towards life there.
I read various travel guides, I found a lot of Ukrainian popular music and folk music that I liked, whereas I don't like any music from the Netherlands. From conversations via the internet I got a taste of unsual humour of people in Ukraine. From all that I already had the impression that Ukraine could be the place for me... Some people from Ukraine, with whom I had contact via internet, thought it was strange...
On my 1st trip to Ukraine that impression was confirmed! When visiting Kiev and Sumy, I felt: "This is fantastic!" because of:
Amsterdam, pictures made after my 3rd trip to Ukraine (17 July 2013). To me this looks boring, there is no colour as in many buildings in Ukraine that have green, blue, red, even sometimes yellow roofs, and there are quite a few building in many cities with pastel coloured sides of buildings on many old buildings (blue, green, yellow, etc.).
And see: Pictures from Ukraine and NL, with from Ukraine amazing bus stops, mosaics on bus stops and buildings, interesting and beautiful entry signs to cities and villages, and more.
Already after my 1st trip to Ukraine I wanted to live here, but I couldn't do that, I needed to renovate my house first to be able to sell it, more on that later.
During my first 3 trips I already felt that people in Ukraine were not aware enough of the positive points in their country, and I realised that that was because of the economic problems in Ukraine.
[ Some people gave me these examples: it is difficult to save for when you need a new refrigerator, there is no job security. ]
After the 1st trip of about 10 days, Each year I travelled to Ukraine for more than 2 months (until 2018). Each trip was an adventure, I visiting interesting places, parks such as Sofyifka park in Uman, the island Khortetsya in Zaporizhya and the cossack show, the main park in Korosten etc. In each city there is something that stands out, an interesting one is a statue in Zvyagel/Novograd volynsky to the bread 'Korovai', strange, perhaps but bread is important in life, so why not?. Also very cool are various bus stops, such as those in Zvyagel and Chornobayivka with a giant umbrella as a roof.
Good experiences in Ukraine (I have many):
I haven't experienced not heard about such things happening in the Netherlands. Some people suggested that the friendliness/helpfulness that I experienced is because I am a foreigner, but not all my experiences can be explained like that.
Bad experiences (especially in 2022!):
These are from 2022:
I used experience (1) to change where to search a house in Ukraine in 2023 (which was: especially in the area of Kremenchuk, Poltava) and I said farewell to that 'friend'. Points (2) and (3) were not negative to me, these were just: 'it happens in life'...
If there is time I will give details of my positive and negative experiences, at the end.
Questions, comments?
You can only control yourself, not (or only slightly) the rest of the world so:
An important point that you can see is that people can be poor and yet be happy and even share things like food. Examples: People in Africa, India.
There is a difference in poor and less developed vs rich and more developed societies that comes partly from being a more developed society: In more developed societies people start to chase abstract goals and saving money, instead of immediately reacheable real world happiness. This feeling needs to be regained...
I mentioned a few problems on my trip to buy a house in 2022, but there was much more before that time in the Netherlands.
I was for many years 'poor' caused by various problems in life, such as:
This gives an idea of the renovations: Replacing the roof of my house
So I had 'problems' but I never felt unhappy. Each time I tried to find a solution. For example in the hospital after getting hit by a car, my sister was surprised when I said to her "What can I do now?" because I was thinking about work, hobbies, and I couldn't do much for months, and my work not for a year. I did not complain about pain, or how big a problem I now had...
What I felt is something else, that there was something missing in my life, some deeper meaning. I will try to explain the difference further on.
You may now think: How can anyone not worry, how can anyone be happy, despite having little money for many years in NL, and now with an uncertain future in Ukraine?
Questions? Comments?
So I never felt unhappy, at worst I had a negative feeling for a short time. It comes from how I live, my mindset, and the "List of life" shows it:
[ These could be reorganised, point 1 and 2 can be combined, point 3 and 5 can be combined, and the order can be improved but that is dealt with in the much expanded version 2. ]
Before I go over points in this list, note: Negative emotions are signals that you need to make a change in your life. You can lose the negativity quickly by realising that that is the only use of negative emotions. You can do that in 2 ways:
1. make a change in actions, in attitude,
2. you can also purposely keep doing something that you don't like and simply look at that, despite being negative, as positive, for example something that you need to do for your family. I will get back to this further on.
Point 8 is a joke but also serious: Don't let small problems affect you! [ The origin of this a comment from a woman from Odessa, whom I asked what she would want if given 3 wishes. One of her wishes was that: "My friends complain about missings socks, 2 go in the laundry but when all has been done, there is only 1 sock! So I wish there are no more missing socks!" (I thought it was very funny) ]
This point is about looking to the past, and having regrets.
[ I leave out the rest on purpose, for the question list, to let participants come to their own views: ]
=====> Give list of questions QL1-the-past, about this topic to audience.
[ Fill in the list... ]
Questions? Comments?
Now you should go over your own answers:
Look at your answer for question 2: Was your answer on changing something "no"? The only answer posible is "no" because it is in the past! You need to accept the past, but there is something you can do: you can use the past to make changes in yourself, by reviewing your decisions. Could you have done something better, differently?
Look at your answer for question 4: The only thing you can do to be happy is to accept that it happened, and only use your experiences to try to improve decision making for the future. By realising this you can let it go, and thus stop letting those experiences affect your mood now. Think each time you think about a regret: "What happened happened, I can't change the past, but I can try to improve my decision making".
I thought back to situations in the past, thought about whether I could have had a different outcome by making different decisions in business or in how to deal with people. I realised the following:
It means the following: Some choices could perhaps have given a different result, but the main thing that I deduced from looking back is this:
FOR YOUR HAPPINESS: Accept life, which means accept what happened.
FOR YOUR DECISION MAKING: Analyse what you did, were there mistakes? In future try to better determine whether or not the information on which you base your decisions, is good enough.
I dated a woman 'M' from Kharkov. She is an amazing painter, creator of recipes and much more. The last time we met was in 2018 in December in Kharkov. I met her family and they were all friendly but after a few days when 'M' told her my intentions regarding her, as being more than friends, her mother was irate, she felt that I was not the right man for her. Perhaps, but that was up to my friend to decide. It felt like an emotional stabbing. I had done nothing wrong but this mother didn't care about people, not even her daughter's happiness. She wanted to oppress her will, Some of her friends were just as bad, complaining about for example my clothes. They all made her look negatively towards me. I continued supporting her but the negative influences resulted in that just after the start of the war, she left Ukraine and insulted me for wanting to meet to discuss a business cooperation, despite all the help I had given her up to end of 2021...
HOW DID I FEEL, HOW DO I FEEL, ABOUT THIS SITUATION? I was disappointed but also not disappointed, in the sense that I continued with my life, my work, writing down ideas, I was sort of 'happy'. But I missed a deeper feeling of meaning in my life and work, that I thought with her would have been possible.
WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY: I could have tried harder to get her away from the negative influences of her mother, brother and friends. She was emotionally repressed and negative, but I realised how much so, only too late.
My list is a part of how you can counter negativity and resist negative influences for yourself, but others can be influenced, as happened with 'M'. I could not counter this influence enough...
How to look at the past, and not have regrets:
Questions? Comments?
1 & 2 can be combined, and also combined with "don't expect", and "don't hurry". They are all forms of worrying, about what could happen in future.
Start with 1: "Don't worry": Can we fix this?
Yes we can fix this! Each time you have a 'problem', do this:
Doing the above makes you change your mindset to not worry about anything (well, after multiple times, not just after saying that to yourself just once) , but instead to simply do what is needed to fix those 'problems' without it affecting your mood.
This is related to Point 6 about problems: You can of course still feel bad from having a 'problem', however, you can change your mindset to not see a 'problem' that you have as a problem, but simply as something you need to fix, not see it in a negative way, and thus to not feel bad at all about any situation, you just find 'solutions'. With this we come to:
=====> Give list of questions QL2-problems about this topic to audience.
Now look back at Question 4: "Could you stop the feeling of worrying? Could you stop this feeling without effort/without taking any action?".
The proper answer to this is "Yes", you can change your thinking, your mindset. This goes for worrying, and for seeing a 'problem' as 'not-a-problem'.
IMPORTANT: Each time that you feel unhappy or negative, is a sign that you need to change something in your life.
You can look at problems not as something negative but simply life, something to which you need to find a solution, nothing more. No negative feeling.
There are 3 stages to go from seeing 'problems' to 'just something I need to deal with':
Question to audience: Does anyone have an example of a problem and wants to talk about how to make the problem not a problem?
You can look at what you don't like in a positive way:
Suppose you don't like your work, but you are married, and perhaps you have a child or children, then that work provides for your spouse and children. In that sense you can look at your work positively. Your work gives them what they need, and you will want to do it because you care for them. At the same time, you can think about other work that you like more, and prepare for an opportunity, so that when you see that the moment is right, you could apply for another type of job.
A woman whom I knew years ago, from Kiev, made a comment once about love, which is similar to the above. She said: "If you love someone then you will love someone's bad qualities". This seemed strange but later I realised that it is correct, and I will give some examples to show that this works everywhere, it is not just about people:
And so I understood with love, what she meant: You cannot take out the bad qualities of a person. You love a person, then the bad qualities are part of the deal...
Another example:
Anger is similar to worrying: Anger solves nothing. You feel bad. That is it. I heard a comment from an Amish guy in a TV series about a woman who was annoyed with a comment that the farmer's son made, he then said (paraphrasing): "You are angry, but the person at whom you are angry doesn't even realise it, he will just happily do whatever he is doing. You are the one who spoils your own mood". It is very good to keep that in mind.
This is connected to point 3: Seek meaning (goals).
You need to make sure that you are happy with what you are trying to achieve (goals) and best would be to be happy while trying to reach a goal, the road to the goal should be worthwhile. in that case you are always doing something that makes you happy, even if you change your goals, or if it turns out you cannot reach your goal.
Example I was stopped last year by a policeman, he checked my papers, the work permit was about the end, the residence permit (posvidka) had not yet arrived, The policeman said I could get a fine. What if a posvidka was not given then? Well, I would probably go live in Poland then, not what I would prefer, but better than in the Netherlands.
I rarely could do what I wanted to do most of all in life, but I tried to do in my hobbies and in work, everything else that was part of the list of my interests, and with that I was happy. So I selected goals depending on what was possible.
Relationships are more difficult:
If you love another person and he or she doesn't see you in the same way, then there is nothing you can do.
That is probably the hardest situation, especially because an emotional connection from shared experiences is something that you do not just forget.
This was suggested to me long ago by the woman from Kiev whom I mentioned earlier with the comment about love, and at the time I thought "I don't need that" but she was right, it adds something to your life, unusual experiences, positive experiences.
Positive experiences in Ukraine: a few examples out of many where people offer food, help, a ride, a place to stay the night when there are no hotels:
2023: Zhytomyr region: I was looking for a hotel or hostel near Andrushivka (about 40 km from Zhytomyr). I saw people in a sort of relax area with tables. I asked whether they knew a hotel or hostel not so far away. They told me it was a birthday celebration, and they were thinking about options for me. They called someone who might have an idea... Then they invited me to take part in the festivities. I tried some of food, we talked about why I was cycling in Ukraine etc.
Then they found an option very close to where we were. I would just have to follow one of the guests who was leaving in his car, riding slowly (about 3 km to near the centre of Andrushivka). They said there was no place to get any food that was open open near the place where I could sleep, so they gave me some more food to take with me to eat there! We came to a hostel which was not operational, yet, but I could stay there, for free...
2023: Riding one evening about 19:00 or so, in the Zhytomyr region: A car was going past me, slowed down, so he was driving beside me. The driver lowered the right car window and he asked (in Russian) whether I had a place to stay. I said (in Russian): "Yes, I am going to a hotel, about 30 km farther". Someone in the rear of the car said something to the man in front, a woman, probably his wife, and then he asked "Do you want some apples?". I thought "Well, that would be nice!", so I said "Yes, that would be nice!". After this the driver speeded up and went his way.
some people say this helpfulness is because I am a foreigner, but this driver certainly didn't know that I was a foreigner when he asked me his first question...
Tell the story of what happened when I was near the Palats kultury in Korosten: I visited a concert but didn't know it yet at the start... ]
'Negative' experiences in Ukraine:
August 2022: I had a friend in Zhytomyr who helped me with translation especially for Ukrainian, and to look for houses. After a bit more than 2 weeks she was annoyed that it took so long, she started complaining, insulted me with commments such as "you are crazy to come to Ukraine when there is a war". I knew her for years but later when I was in Zaporizhya, I said farewell to her.
August 2022: I made a fall with a bicycle that I loaned from a friend of my friend in Zhytomyr. It caused a pinched nerve in my left heel. Walking was very painful so I couldn't walk far, it hindered me to visit houses and took months to get better.
October 2022: I was in Zaporizhya and experienced rocket attacks there. I did not worry and I was not afraid. I calculated the chance of dying in Zaporozhya, compared to dying in the Netherlands in traffic, and I estimated a week in Zaporizhya would be equivalent to a year in the Netherlands, and so I decided to stay a few more days, based on what I wanted to do on that trip...
I took the 1st experience as a pointer to do something different, to look on my next trip in a different area for a house to buy, and the 2nd and 3rd 'problems' didn't affect my mood at all, I used the last experience to make jokes and put everything in life in perspective when I was back in the Netherlands.
I dated a woman 'M' from Kharkov. She is an amazing painter, creator of recipes and much more. The last time we met was in 2018 in December in Kharkov. It was -12C, a lot of snow, I liked it! I met her parents and brother. Her mother was friendly but some days later when 'M' told her mother more about me her mother disliked that I was not 'just a friend'. Her mother then insulted me, and it felt like emotionally getting stabbed. I thought "I am not allowed to be happy?" and "Does she not care about her daughter's happiness?". I didn't care what her mother thought about me nor what she said about me, but for my friend her mother's views were important. So though it did not affect my feeling of 'happiness', indirectly it affected me in not having a more meaningful life because it affected my friend. She got further negatively influenced by her 'friends' after they met me on a day when we were looking for hiking shoes for her [ shop with a ramp ]. They made various negative comments, for example about that I was wearing summer clothes. It was -12C, but I was not cold. [ I wore summer clothes too here in Kremenchuk this winter ]. After that mess, I still helped her with issues in her life up to just before the war started, and I suggested a business cooperation. But she left Ukraine and because of all these negative influences on her, she was even unfriendly, which means there is not even a friendship and she is pursuing goals that don't do her abilities justice. To me it all feels sad, people wasting their lives or negatively influencing other people's lives.
HOW DID I FEEL, HOW DO I FEEL, ABOUT THIS SITUATION? I was disappointed but also not disappointed, in the sense that I continued with my life, my work, writing down ideas, I felt then, and now still, that life could have been so much better, for her, for me. You can consider this regret but I was never unhappy. I didn't think: "I wish I made different choices then" (that is actual regret). I felt and still feel: "Why are people trying to spoil the lives of others?".
WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY: I could have tried harder to get her away from the negative influences of her mother and brother, and to better determine what caused her to say certain things, to determine why she distrusted me. She was emotionally repressed and negative, caused mainly by her mother, but her friends were also a bad influence. I realised some of this, but not well enough.
My list is a part of how to counter the negativity at least for yourself, so that you will not be influenced, but: you cannot prevent other people such as friends or family members to be influenced, you can only control yourself! This is the problem in that situation: Her mother and her friends made negative comments about me, and I didn't care that they did that, but my friend was influenced. Her mother didn't care about her happiness, she was just anti-social, oppressive, tying to push her will onto her daughter. I could not counter this influence enough.
[ Notes about the lists with questions:
1. About QL1-the-past: question 2 ("Can you change something in that situation right now?"): The answer is actually always no, because you are looking back into the past, but asking this question is a forced self-reflection on the situation.
2. About QL-2 problems: question 4 ("Could you stop the feeling of worrying without effort/without taking any action?"): The proper answer is: yes using the 3 steps/stages.
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