[ Talk goncharenko centre 2025-3-16: List of life » Talk goncharenko centre 2025-3-16: List of life: Post event notes ]
1. Someone mentioned about worrying that she worried about children, grandchildren in the situation of the war going on. I said that you can feel happy and not worry despite that there is a war, and that worrying changes nothing. It was hard to make it clear but it can come with time, with re-reading the talk, and actually trying my method described there to make yourself see negative emotions such as worrying as not useful except as hints that you need to change something in your life. You cannot stop worrying or being afraid, in one go!:
I reiterated: Worrying does nothing useful. It makes you feel bad, it does not make the situation better for you, it does not help you, it does not help your children/grandchildren. It is not safe anywhere in Ukraine. The only thing to do then is to leave Ukraine, but not everyone can leave Ukraine. Also, should people leave Ukraine? The whole country would collapse if everyone left.
The only thing to do that is useful is to seek solutions to a 'problem' but if these people live in Ukraine, and cannot or do not want to leave, then that is the situation in life that you need to accept as reality. Worrying is a negative feeling that achieves nothing...
2. Someone else said that worrying is useful to prepare for things to do, but that is not needed, that is simply preparing, thinking about what is best, for the possible outcomes in the future. Accepting life, and not worrying does not mean that you are not seeking good solutions that give good outcomes in future, it means only that your mindset is neutral or positive towards seeking such a solution. If you worry, perhaps you are unable to sleep properly because you stay up too late thinking about what to do, then you likely will not find the best solution. The solution comes from itself, by normal thinking and perhaps it will not be the optimal solution, but perfection does not exist, you should not require it of yourself, nor of others. If someone says you made a bad decision, well, if you thought about it, and put effort into it, then perhaps your decision was not optimal, but given the situation it was good in the sense of having done what you could with reasonable effort. [ Nobody should expect anyone else to think so long that the solution is perfect ].
3. Interesting was what one guy wrote in his answers to the list about regrets: He did not have any regrets. He said that he left the past behind him. So, the past is the past and you need not think about it. This is the correct way!
4. It seems everyone liked my Dutch self baked cookies :) A few people asked for the recipe, but, it uses a sugar that I can only get in the Netherlands. I had made a batch of cookies for the talk, and a bacth for my friend to possibly help him in his business in a cafe called "Де мед", but in general you can't buy them in shops. So I said at the meeting: "You can't buy them in shops". Then at the end of the meeting my friend said: "You can buy the cookies at "Де мед" ;-) I will try to make the recipe with a different type of sugar to see whether I can create similar tasting cookies with an additional ingredient.
5. Another question was about relationships, for example dealing with parents who want you to do certain things, with whom you get into arguments. This woman mentioned negatives but also that she was grateful to her parents for, say, her education. I said first of all the relationships are the most difficult to deal with. Then I asked whether she was dependent on these parents (such as living in their house). The answer was no, so then I suggested to just not talk to them for a while, for example a week. Better would actually be: have no contact for as long as needed such that you feel yourself again. Why make yourself negative by dealing with people who behave badly towards you? I mentioned the case of 'M' from Kharkov, who had a similar view of her parents while her mother wanted to rule her life and she made her repress her emotions, it was not good. I mentioned that I suggested 'M' to leave her parents and she did that for a while but she should have not returned at all to Kharkov. Why make yourself miserable dealing with people? I mentioned also that I am not friendly towards people who are not friendly to me. Why should I? [ you can in a way see that friendly behaviour gives generally better outcomes and that 'turn the other cheek' can do some good, but generally, especially if people don't care about others (so they are actually: anti-social), then being friendly does nothing... ] I also mentioned a former friend in Sumy who wanted to oppress her views onto me about people with whom I should not have contact, and the former friend from Zhytomyr who wasted my time in 2022. I said farewell to both of them. The former friend from Kharkov is a different matter, despite her behaviour I gave her multiple opportunities because of the circumstances.
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